“What’s up with you, bro?”
Conflict within the church Matthew 18:15-20
Introduction
You only need to look at the daily news to appreciate the fact that we live in a world of conflict. We see conflict in interpersonal relationships, in marriage, in families, in business, in schools, in politics, in neighborhoods, between countries, and in churches. Conflict can even occur on social media. Unless we live isolated in a cave, we will all experience conflict in our lifetime. The severity of conflict can range from small annoyances, literal shouting, screaming, to physical abuse to open warfare. Conflict is a normal part of life. It a necessary part of the creative process of change and advancement. However, if handled badly its benefits can be destroyed.
Conflict occurs when there is misalignment of thinking, aspirations, motivations, feelings, behaviors and/or resources which threaten a person or group’s power, control and influence.
Conflict resolution involves the reduction, elimination or termination of all forms of conflict and may involve compromise, accommodation, avoidance, collaboration, cooperation, competition.
Conflict management is an attempt to minimize negative outcomes, maximize positive outcomes, and promote growth and harmony.
Some questions for reflection
Think back for a moment.
Have you ever been involved in conflict within the church?
Did that conflict result in sinful behavior between protagonists and onlookers?
What were the effects of such conflict on the church and its ministries?
Was the conflict resolved satisfactorily or did it simply get swept under the mat?
In our passage for study today we want to look at a well-known, well-used, and often much abused passage of Scripture - Matthew 18:15-20. It addresses conflict in Christian community and especially the church.
The context of Matthew 18:15-20
The implications of Jesus’ answers
Matthew 18:15-20 - Dealing with sin in the church
15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. 18 “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. 19 “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”
Comments
1. Jesus suggests a 3-step process of conflict resolution:
Step 1 (verse 15): In private point out each other’s faults (or sin) and if resolution results you have won over the other person.
Step 2 (verse 16): If step one fails, take with you one or two others (preferably Spirit-filled, mature, and balanced people to act as witnesses to discern the real issues, and they hopefully can broker resolution of the conflict.
Step 3 (verses 17): If the defaulting person still will not listen, take the matter to the church congregation for resolution. If they still will not listen treat them as you would unbelievers.
The three steps are:
(1) Personal dialogue
(2) Testimonial support
(3) Congregational determination
An expanded understanding and process of conflict resolution
Any model of conflict resolution requires those involved to exhibit appropriate behaviours. The following list of behaviours are biblically based and align well with the “fruit of the Spirit” – which are available to Spirit-filled believers.
· Respect (I am for you not against you)
· Fairness (I want a ‘win-win’ outcome)
· Genuineness (I will not play games with you)
· Understanding (I will make every effort to consider both yours/my motivations, needs, values, feelings and attitudes)
· self-control (I will not say and do anything that will cause bad attitudes or further complicate the problem(s))
· Honesty (I intend to keep my part of the bargain)
· Empathy (I will attempt to appreciate how you feel and why you feel the way you do, believing that your needs are valid simply because you see them as such)
· Conciliation (I am committed to finding a workable solution)
· Growth (I am open to help and development as I discover aspects of my thinking, behaviour, and attitudes that need to change).
· Courage (Despite how I feel I will continue to engage until a workable solution is found)
The Collaborative Conflict Resolution Method
The following process is a two-phase six-step conflict resolution process that aims to find an elegant win-win outcome.
Phase 1 Resolution of emotional conflict
During this phase, the major activity is to allow expression of the problem(s) by both/all parties concerned, on both an emotional and substantive level. This needs to be continued until all present feel the issues have been “laid on the table”.
Phase 2
Once having clarified the emotional and substantive elements of the problem(s), the parties concerned now undertake a systematic collaborative problem-solving exercise.
Step 1 - Define the Problem in Terms of Needs, Not Solutions.
There are always many possible “proposed” solutions to any conflict, however, the only “real” solutions are proposals that meet needs. So understanding needs is a prime task in conflict resolution.
Step 2 - Brainstorm Possible Solutions
Ideas put forward to meet needs, even if seen as irrelevant or weird have value in that they can prompt wider thinking.
Step 3 - Select Solutions that Meet Both Partys’ Needs
A win-win solution to a conflict has to meet both party’s needs, otherwise it will be rejected.
Step 4 - Plan Who Will do What, Where, and by When
A workable and lasting solution requires both commitment and engagement. Allocation and acceptance of tasks and responsibilities will promote engagement.
Step 5 - Implement the Plan
This step now requires time, and must produce the “goods” in order to keep faith between parties. If action is not forthcoming one may need to use an assertive statement, followed by reflective listening.
Step 6 - Evaluate the Process and Later the Solution
The exercise of conflict resolution can yield significant learning even if the solution wasn’t ideal. Follow up evaluation is valuable as we all have better vision when looking back on performance.
Conclusion
Conflict is a fact of life. It occurs in all areas of human endeavor and relationships. That it occurred amongst Jesus’ disciples prompting His gracious rebuke and counsel, is a relief. If well handled it provides opportunity for personal and corporate growth, and strengthening of community health.
Unfortunately, many well-meaning Christians treat Matthew 18:15-20 as a magic formula which if literally applied will somehow dissolve conflict and restore peace and vitality and heal hurts. Whilst in some cases that is the outcome, in many other cases it worsens the problem, leaving abused and wronged people hurting even more.
Jesus provided for His disciples in Matthew 18:15-20, a description of a simple and basic process for conflict resolution. The process is not prescriptive, particularly in handling serious sinful behavior toward others who are victims of abuse by the more powerful, outspoken and influential members of a congregation.
For any process of conflict resolution to be successful, certain skills, abilities and character qualities are needed by those in conflict to productively engage in and seek resolution, and more so by those who are charged with oversight of the process. Conflict resolution must be followed up by sensitive pastoral care so that a congregation can be healed and rebuilt and learn from the experience of conflict even if painful.
Prayer for those involved in conflict.
Questions for refection
1. Recount and reflect on a personal experience of conflict
- What were the issues for those in conflict?
- How was the conflict handled?
- What was resolved and was the resolution a win-win outcome?
2. When you examine Matthew 18:25-30 what kingdom values are reflected in the passage, and what is needed in addition to the process for kingdom conflict resolution to be achieved?
3. If you were called on to oversee a serious case of conflict in your church, what would you do to satisfactorily resolve it whilst doing all you can to prevent people leaving the church and protecting the least, the lost, the last and the lonely?
4. What is needed in the church to ensure it is a safe place for people to be in?